Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
