You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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