It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
