nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize