So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
