I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
