can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
