So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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