Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
