What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
