i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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