Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
