I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
