don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
