Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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