So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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