the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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