She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize