Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How's work?
Spinning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize