Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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