Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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