I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
