I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
