i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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