Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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