my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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