Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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