I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
where am i from again
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
