i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
