Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
