Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
