Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
