Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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