I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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