The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
