well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Oh god it's open bar.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
