she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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