Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
