I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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