i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
