I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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