I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
