Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
