Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
