We're facebook friends in real life
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
