The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
