she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
