my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
