Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize