somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
