I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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