I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
