I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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