I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
