I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
