Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
