Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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