I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
